I had one of those stereotypical useless husband type days on Monday. That's what Lynda would call them anyway. I just kept losing things. I would have lost my head if it wasn't screwed on. I had been doing so well too. Lynda had been out of town since last Wednesday - she went to Montreal to watch Kendall at a swim meet - and I had managed to keep the dogs alive, get Avery to school every day, and most importantly, I hadn't dirtied the house up too much. That was Lynda's last command... I mean wish, before she left for the airport.
Okay, I have to confess that I had to call in reinforcements. I summoned Nanny West to provide logistical and moral support during the time that her daughter would be away. Meanwhile, if Nanny was to do a few loads of laundry, wash a scattered dish here or there, or whip up a miracle or two in the kitchen, then who was I to complain? I'm just the father of her two beautiful granddaughters and the man who has given over half of his life to making her daughter's life so blissful. Nanny didn't have to help out (but I knew she would).
I'll get back to the gist of this story in a moment. I began to tell you about how I had lost a few things on Monday. Before I do, I need to tell you about one other thing that went missing on Saturday......Nanny. I was nice enough to give her the evening off, so she could go line dancing, and I never saw her again. What's up with that?! Sure, we had a few flurries, but it was just a measly 15 centimetres. Nanny said she is afraid to drive down to our house when it snows because there are so many hills, cliffs, an ocean, no street lights, and poor ploughing. What a wimp! Our house is situated on the side of a mountain and has a long, steep driveway, but when I designed it, I specifically added a "Nanny Only" parking area at the bottom. Suddenly, when she finally has a chance to use it, she opts to stay out in town. Some gratitude! I even ended up having to shovel the step myself. Nanny, you are fired! At least until the next time Lynda leaves town.
Wives and mothers seem to have built in homing devices, along with some type of special radar. I'm certain of that. That's the only way to explain how it is that Lynda knows exactly where it is that me and the kids have left our stuff. Keys, hats, boots, wallets, Ipods, smart phones, and school bags all find their way to that place called "Idonno". Lynda will always ask us where we left whatever it is that is missing and our answer is always "Idonno". Armed only with that information, Lynda meanders to some strategic place in the house and always finds our missing item. My mom possesses the same mystic ability. I'm beginning to wonder if it's a conspiracy of sorts, that wives and mothers learn to maintain a strategic hold over husbands and kids by hiding this stuff and becoming the only ones who can find it.
It's all beginning to make sense to me now. So, on Monday, when I couldn't find my coach's whistle for the power skating session I was teaching and when my Amex card never made its way back into my wallet after a trip to Costco, it had to be Lynda who hid them. Hmmmm......my theory has a glitch. Lynda was in Montreal, happily speeding through the shops of the city on a quest to find the bargain of a lifetime. Unlike me, I'm pretty sure she had a good idea exactly where her credit card was.
Perhaps I need to take my theory a little bit further. Sure, Lynda had a perfect alibi, but what if she had a partner in crime? Nanny.....it had to be her. She had to be the woman who hid my whistle and credit card.. That explains why she flew the coop on Saturday. Line dancing and fearing for her life were just clever cover stories. They thought they could fool me by diverting any suspicion from Lynda. I'm on to both of you.
It all makes sense to me now. Wives and mothers of the world are one big syndicate, working in consort to keep all children and men (who are just big children, after all) under their influence. They figure as long as we need them to find our things, they'll be the ones to dictate when, where and how things get done.
Very clever, but the jig's up. It's time for the children of the world, big and small, to unite against the WMC (Wives and Mothers Coalition). I must spread the word. I have to let my buddies know so that we can win our independence. No longer will hockey skates go missing just before Saturday night shinny. The TV clicker won't disappear on football Sunday's, only to reappear just in time for the Sunday night tear jerker. Men must take their rightful place as the dominant sex.
Damn! I can't find my smart phone. I can't call the guys because all of their contact info is in that phone. If Lynda thinks I'm going to stoop low and bow down to her by asking where my smart phone is, she has another thing coming. I'll fool her. I'll play it cool. I'm not even going to pretend that I've lost my smart phone. I'll get the last laugh...I'll do the manly thing.....I'm going to play dumb.
